That flower can talk!
Reading an article from my friends at UPROXX (click for source), I stumbled upon the most annoying person in the world. This post might send you into orbit. I know I bash women for being crazy on this website, so to be fair I will rip this guy a new asshole because he is a gigantic douche. This guy has a list of “Deal breakers” and they are all ridiculous. He must be forever alone because there is no way he found someone who follows all of these rules. Also, the list is quite long. Long and annoying. Is there a penis reference there? Ah, whatever it’s late.
If you don’t know what a deal breaker is, I will explain. A deal breaker is a non-negotiable aspect of a relationship in which you will not budge or compromise on. For some people it could be smoking. They will not date a smoker. I will say that this guy is a little more specific than this. More after the jump.
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Yup. 7 images I had to upload. That is how crazy that person is. 7 images crazy. 125 deal breakers. My deal breakers are like maybe 1/10th that size. I’m going to pick out a few of my favorite from his list. Bullet points style!
- Well, the first one is about listening to the Doors. Really? You don’t like Jim Morrison? That’s enough for me to fight a person. I love the Doors. Me and this dude already don’t get along.
- “You like drawn mustache fingers” – So that eliminates every girl ever. Next!
- “You have affiliation with any religion” – Yeah, really limiting yourself here, pal.
- “You wear massive headphones” – Dude, who doesn’t love massive headphones? They are so comfy and you can hear all the complexities of certain music like Tool or Sigur Ros. Ugh. I hate this guy.
- “You pet random cats with no concern for toxoplasmosis” – Really? This is an issue for him? Like this has happened more than once in his life where he had to list it on a dating website? Who the fuck is this guy hanging out with?
- “You wear yoga clothes when not engaging in yoga.” – Okay, now I’m really concerned. What guy hates yoga pants on a hot girl? Jesus Christ. This guy is a mystery to me. Yoga pants were sent down from the Gods themselves.
- “You consider yourself a happy person.” – Alright, it’s making more sense now. He’s a miserable piece of shit who wants company in his stinking pile of shit house to raise some shitty kids that stink.
- “You spend more than you make.” – This guy hates people in debt? I understand that debt isn’t that attractive but is it a deal breaker? Plus, who doesn’t like to spend money?
- “You believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion.” – Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone using this as a deal breaker. I wonder if he thinks that everyone should have the same opinion? Or maybe he thinks that certain people shouldn’t be entitled to an opinion at all? Either way it sounds like some communist bullshit to me. Comrade over here needs to find a woman shaped like a turnip.
- “You own a name brand purse.” – Are you serious? What girl doesn’t have a name brand purse these days? Girls like their hand bags more than they like their cars. They can’t ding up a handbag when they need to parallel park. It’s like he’s trying to jerk off forever but he wants to do it on his terms.
- “You needlessly kill spiders.” – Yeah. No. I will murder the shit out of every spider I see. You got me, chief? Spiders deserve to die. They bite and look weird and shouldn’t be in my house.
- “You’re a holocaust denier” – This one is stupid. Who the fuck believes in the holocaust? Oh wait. This is the first one that makes sense.
- “You have the need to see every game of your sports team.” – I understand the “who cares” mentality if a girl likes sports, but this seems kind of dumb to have on a list unless you hate sports. If that is the case, what the fuck does this guy actually like?
- “You don’t realize that John Lennon was a Bono-level douche.” – OMG….
- “You think trampolines are safe for children.” – Okay, I think we nailed it. He had an awful trampoline accident as a child while listening to the Beatles with large headphones and a spider saved is life. Making sense yet?
- “Your favorite movie is Shawshank Redemption.” – This guy is just batting 1.000%. What a major tool.
I just picked out a few of my favorite. That list is really fucking long. That might be the most fastidious person on the planet. An uber-douche, if I have ever seen one. Will he find love? Doubt it. I prefer to have an open mind and experience the person before I start looking for deal breakers. This was obviously a questionnaire he had to fill out for an internet dating application but he put A LOT of thought into it which means all of these things resonated as “important” during that short time you actually fill the damn thing out. Run on sentence much? Whatever. It’s late.
I’m usually very optimistic about people falling in love, but I also know when someone is just hopeless. My remaining question is if there is a girl that finds all of this control and pickiness as sexy as he thinks it is. That’s the only variable I could come up with. Otherwise, his hands will look like he just slid down a rope for the rest of his life.
